Before I Met the Love of My Life

To better navigate this post, I have labeled each section with a corresponding crucial period of time: High School, College, Intentionally Dating, & Meeting The One. Meant to be read in cohesion, but I understand some people don't have the attention span to do that.

Introduction:
In early September 2020, I sat down with my parents and told them I wanted to start seriously dating.  I wanted to seek a very intentional relationship – one that was founded under the same morals that I lived by and a relationship favored to last. Prefacing that I wasn’t thinking that it absolutely HAD to be the one ending in marriage. Obviously it was a hope, but I acknowledged that someone compatible on paper may not correlate in person. Compatibility with another person requires many factors ranging from personality type, religious beliefs, values, attraction, connection, etc. I will not speak poorly on any of the guys I’ve dated before, but simply say that each was ultimately not compatible with me. In all honesty, each relationship prior I had known wasn’t compatible within the first month, but either tried lie to myself to rationalize it or tried to change them (very naïve behavior I know). I’m not proud of doing this, but also would not have found my now fiancé if I had not gone through those experiences. Without digging up too much, I will say that I am grateful to God for the things He has taught me in those relationships and especially the protection He used to guard my heart during them.

A lot about this story will be seen as unconventional to the world and may be hard for one to understand with a worldly perspective. For one, I’ve been in dating relationships before but have only fallen in love once. Secondly, in 2020 I let my parents be a main deciding factor on who I ended up with. I’ll try to explain both of these things to the best of my ability:

High School:
To start, I have to wind back time to 2012 when I started high school. This was the year I committed my life to Christ. Although I had grown up going to church my entire life, something clicked that year and made me realize how little control I had over the things in my life and how much I needed God. Another time I’ll go more in depth, but that year was the first time I began actively praying for myself, my future husband, and family. My specific prayers were that I would put my full trust in the Lord for matters of my heart. Countless times I prayed that the Lord would guard my heart from harm (Proverbs 4:23), from casting pearls before swine (Matthew 7:6), and that I would be a faithful servant to God (Matthew 25:21). I prayed likewise for my future husband that the Lord would shape him to be godly, grounded, and that He would guard his heart also. At the time I didn’t know any spiritually mature guys or even if any guy would ever be interested in me. To paint the picture, I was an awkward very small and skinny 13-year-old that had not yet hit puberty. But, praying those prayers gave me comfort that the Lord would watch over me, my heart, and my future spouse. In those moments I remember feeling an immense feeling of deep love for the man I was praying for (the person I didn’t even know existed). I continued praying these prayers throughout the entirety of high school when I felt lonely and undesired, when it felt like I was the only girl not being pursued by any guys, when I questioned my self-worth, and when all I felt I had was to cling to promises of a future.

College:
College was really the first time that guys began pursing me. It shocked me at first to get the attention I did, and I was tempted by relationships because of my desire for connection. To be transparent, I did have two relationships in college which lasted each around 1.5-2 years and one in the beginning of dental school that lasted less than a year. I don’t want to discredit those relationships because they were serious in terms of the world: we used labels like girlfriend & boyfriend, we were exclusive to each other, we went on dates, hung out, had emotions involved, and cared for each other’s well being… However, it’s hard for me to say I took them seriously because I never could envision them as my husband. I don’t condone my behavior to stay in relationships for years when I had known they weren’t the right fit. Though it is very common in society to approve of "dating for experience", I just wouldn’t say that it aligns with the values I’ve set for myself. I cannot pinpoint exactly why I did it either. But, if I’m honest with myself it's probably a mix of fear of being alone, fear of losing someone I cared about (even if not on a romantic level), fear of hurting someone, disbelief that I would actually find someone with the qualities I was looking for, an insecurity to feel wanted and needed by someone, and the classic mistake of trying to fit someone into a mold they could never fit into. You really can’t change someone and deep down I knew it too. Through time, I found myself subconsciously pulling away in relationships and focusing primarily on myself. I really only cared about my future career, my friends, my needs, my wants, and my interests over the other person. Which is also why I cannot condone dating someone if you don’t see a future with them. Dating should have the ultimate goal of marriage even if it doesn’t end up that way. And marriage is ultimately about unity and not about the self.

Thankfully I did end things faster by the third go once I knew. But at the same time, the amount of pain I caused people and pain I then caused myself still brings back  some haunting memories.  In the months leading up to meeting my fiancé I had begun to convince myself that I was not meant to fall in love. I was so frustrated for not being able to reciprocate the same feelings, effort, and care as other people. I didn’t understand why I could never get myself to say “I love you” back. It was an emotional block I felt I couldn’t get past with anyone I pursued a relationship with. It’s exhausting to chase a feeling that feels inorganic and forced. It's also exhausting hurting the same people over and over as they hold onto hope of a future while you're waiting for an inevitable end. I've had to ask for forgiveness from those I hurt; it wasn't easy and a lot of grace was involved. 

Intentionally Dating:
After all this, I knew I needed to change my approach. In September 2020, I sat down with my parents and had an intentional conversation about dating. It was a theory of mine that one reason I could never fully emotionally commit to anyone was because I never had my parent’s blessing. It’s not a western way of thinking to make decisions based on your parent’s happiness. But at the same time, I didn’t grow up in a fully westernized family. Though the environment outside my house was immersed in western culture, inside the principles were grounded on more traditional Eastern-Asian values. And one of those values being the respect one has for their parents and elders. My parents are in no way perfect, but I over the years have learned to trust their judgement. Majority of my parent’s love I received growing up was not verbal like a lot of my friends had. But looking back I know how much effort my father and mother put into me- arguably more than most other parents (more on this another time). The gifts I received from my parents were always practical: investments in my education, my understanding of the world, and to enhance my intelligence and overall quality of life. I learned to trust my parents and especially my father who has proven his wisdom time and time again over the years. The closest thing I had at the time to understanding romantic love was the love I had for God and my family. So it seemed logical to me to let my parents help choose the person I would end up with. I did not view including them as giving up my individuality, but saw it as an acknowledgement and act of the love I had for them. 

During the conversation, my parents agreed I was at a stage in my life where I could practically and emotionally handle a serious relationship. We discussed the list of things I wanted in a partner vs. the list of absolutes. Further, they encouraged me to actively pursue different paths to find a partner: close friends that had already asked to set me up on a date, family friends with sons who fit the criteria, and yes even dating apps (I guess my parents aren’t entirely that traditional haha). I also gave them permission to pick potentials for me that I promised I would take seriously. I thought to myself that I would just learn to love whoever was decided the most suitable for me.

Now that all sounds incredibly serious - which it was. However, I don’t think any of us thought that I would find ‘the one’ anytime soon. The possibility that this process could take anywhere from months to years was more along the line of what we both expected. One of the things my Gong-gong (grandfather) always said before his passing was the Chinese proverb, “A sly rabbit will have three openings to its den”. The moral to this proverb is that a rabbit that has many holes leading to his den will always have a backup plan and will be able to escape if in danger. Gong-gong usually gave this as dating advice saying to us grandchildren that while initially seeking love we should not make a singular passage to our heart and block it off to just one person.  And so with this advice I cannot lie that I did end up going on several dates. These dates were not with just anyone, but pre-confirmed men by myself and my parents that on the surface contained the qualities I was looking for –which I dug deeper for more on said dates. I tried to the best of my ability not to lead anyone on. As soon as I knew they weren’t a person I’d like to continue to see, I let them go. This was a skill that I still hadn't mastered because my fear of rejecting others was a harder concept than fear of rejection. I can only pray that God gave me grace for the situations I struggled in to end things amicably. Another difficult aspect of doing this was that it was hard to be transparent to everyone involved in my dating life. Yes, I was not committed to one person at the time, but the level of seriousness I was taking each person made me start to feel uncomfortable for “dating” multiple people at once. I had to accept that I personally could not handle dating at that caliber for long.

Meeting The One:
Luckily for me, a little over one month since my parents and I’s conversation, I decided with their encouragement to download the dating app Hinge. And very very shortly after was the first moment I saw my now fiancé, Austin.

He was actually the second person I even came across on Hinge. I immediately noticed his cute smile and eyes that lit up in pictures appearing like he would be a genuinely nice person. There was a picture of his mom with him at his college graduation, and I remember thinking to myself how sweet she looked. But what drew me to Austin the most was the prompt he chose to put at the top of his profile. If you’re familiar with the app you know that Hinge makes you put all these goofy prompts on your profile that are meant to highlight your personality, your beliefs, or whatever else you want to say. The prompt that Austin chose read, “we’ll get along if…. You love Jesus.” After reading this I immediately tapped the little heart icon in the corner to send him a “match” notification.

​After a few weeks of messaging, I found myself driving from my parent’s house in Peoria, IL to Austin’s hometown in Algonquin, IL to meet him at a brunch spot. We found out we had quite a few mutual friends – along with my younger brother, David, actually knowing who he was. My first in person impression of Austin was that he was kind, genuine, intelligent, and respectable. I don’t remember a ton from that date though because while there I grew increasingly nervous/awkward after he told me it was the first date he had been on from the app. I left the date and called my brother on the car ride home telling him, “Yeah I liked the guy but I’m probably not going to see him again because I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m weird.” My brother and I had a laugh about my awkwardness, and I went home happy that I had the experience at least to tell someone. I can tell you I was a little shocked moments after I got back to get a text from Austin asking to see me again.

The next date was three weeks later because I had midterms and put dating on hold so I could focus. But the second date went very well. So much so that I was surprised to find myself starting to over-analyze our texts following it. I remember one instance where Austin didn’t reply for a few hours and I actually found myself stressing over whether I would hear from him again. I had to take a moment and slap myself back into reality. My view of myself has always been that I'm logical, practical, and independent. So, worrying over seeing someone again was an entirely new experience that made me realize a change within myself.  I never considered myself a romantic person, but every date and moment really felt like nothing I had ever experienced before. At the time it actually did feel like I was living out a movie. I had never had the butterflies-in-your-stomach feeling, and for the first time I realized it was actually a real feeling you could have.

​On our fourth date I had the opportunity to meet Austin’s family. I was so impressed with how incredibly kind his siblings were and how God-fearing and grounded his parents were. Being raised on my Eastern-Asian roots, it was engrained in me that family was extremely important. So with all the time I spent over the years fearing that I would never find a future family I could see myself in, it was such a breath of fresh air to meet this family. From Austin’s father’s Bible Pictionary board game in the basement and Austin’s mother sharing at dinner how much she believed in the power of prayer, it was evident to me how wonderful they were.

I cried on the way home from that day, praying to God that He would not show me everything I thought I wanted and then take it away.  I knew on that day that this was a relationship I wanted to have, and I continued to pray especially hard the first year of dating Austin exclusively. I prayed that God would guard my heart from giving it away if Austin was not the right person. I prayed that God would bless our relationship if what we had was pleasing to Him. I prayed that we would be wise and intentional in our relationship and honor each other and God’s Kingdom. I prayed that if we were not suitable for each other that God would end the relationship sooner rather than later.

It took me a while to adjust to my growing feelings. For the first time I wanted to be in a relationship with a person so badly and for the rest of my life. I fought with myself for a while over it because it was an incredibly scary feeling for me to fall in love. The amount of vulnerability and trust it took was hard for the logical part of my brain to accept. It just didn’t seem practical to give that much power to another person over me. I cried a lot initially because of the confusion of feeling all these new feelings at once and especially feeling the loss of control I normally had over myself and my emotions. I can only imagine that in his head Austin was probably rolling his eyes thinking, "ugh this girl again...." But it was Austin’s patience, his joyful spirit, his seriousness to honor God in and with our relationship, his loving and playful nature, his integrity, his optimism, and his desire to grow together that proved to me over time I could let my guard down. I never had to force him into a mold or pretend he was something he was not. Seven months of prayer into our relationship, I was walking with Austin down a street in Chicago one day- I looked at him and I just knew. It was not a love that was grounded on merely strong feelings, but a love I knew was intentional, growing, trusting, accepting, submissive (more on this word another time), and with willingness to sacrifice for the betterment of ‘us’. 

Conclusion:
To run this post full circle, all those years of feeling incapable of loving someone have led me to believe that God was ultimately protecting my heart from deeper pain. And quite possibly the prayers I prayed dating from back to age thirteen were the reasons why I was only able to fall in love once.
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