To better navigate this post, I have labeled each section with a corresponding crucial period of time: High School, College, Intentionally Dating, & Meeting The One. Meant to be read in cohesion, but I understand some people don't have the attention span to do that.

Introduction:
In early September 2020, I sat down with my parents and told them I wanted to start seriously dating.  I wanted to seek a very intentional relationship – one that was founded under the same morals that I lived by and a relationship favored to last. Prefacing that I wasn’t thinking that it absolutely HAD to be the one ending in marriage. Obviously it was a hope, but I acknowledged that someone compatible on paper may not correlate in person. Compatibility with another person requires many factors ranging from personality type, religious beliefs, values, attraction, connection, etc. I will not speak poorly on any of the guys I’ve dated before, but simply say that each was ultimately not compatible with me. In all honesty, each relationship prior I had known wasn’t compatible within the first month, but either tried lie to myself to rationalize it or tried to change them (very naïve behavior I know). I’m not proud of doing this, but also would not have found my now fiancé if I had not gone through those experiences. Without digging up too much, I will say that I am grateful to God for the things He has taught me in those relationships and especially the protection He used to guard my heart during them.

A lot about this story will be seen as unconventional to the world and may be hard for one to understand with a worldly perspective. For one, I’ve been in dating relationships before but have only fallen in love once. Secondly, in 2020 I let my parents be a main deciding factor on who I ended up with. I’ll try to explain both of these things to the best of my ability:

High School:
To start, I have to wind back time to 2012 when I started high school. This was the year I committed my life to Christ. Although I had grown up going to church my entire life, something clicked that year and made me realize how little control I had over the things in my life and how much I needed God. Another time I’ll go more in depth, but that year was the first time I began actively praying for myself, my future husband, and family. My specific prayers were that I would put my full trust in the Lord for matters of my heart. Countless times I prayed that the Lord would guard my heart from harm (Proverbs 4:23), from casting pearls before swine (Matthew 7:6), and that I would be a faithful servant to God (Matthew 25:21). I prayed likewise for my future husband that the Lord would shape him to be godly, grounded, and that He would guard his heart also. At the time I didn’t know any spiritually mature guys or even if any guy would ever be interested in me. To paint the picture, I was an awkward very small and skinny 13-year-old that had not yet hit puberty. But, praying those prayers gave me comfort that the Lord would watch over me, my heart, and my future spouse. In those moments I remember feeling an immense feeling of deep love for the man I was praying for (the person I didn’t even know existed). I continued praying these prayers throughout the entirety of high school when I felt lonely and undesired, when it felt like I was the only girl not being pursued by any guys, when I questioned my self-worth, and when all I felt I had was to cling to promises of a future.

College:
College was really the first time that guys began pursing me. It shocked me at first to get the attention I did, and I was tempted by relationships because of my desire for connection. To be transparent, I did have two relationships in college which lasted each around 1.5-2 years and one in the beginning of dental school that lasted less than a year. I don’t want to discredit those relationships because they were serious in terms of the world: we used labels like girlfriend & boyfriend, we were exclusive to each other, we went on dates, hung out, had emotions involved, and cared for each other’s well being… However, it’s hard for me to say I took them seriously because I never could envision them as my husband. I don’t condone my behavior to stay in relationships for years when I had known they weren’t the right fit. Though it is very common in society to approve of "dating for experience", I just wouldn’t say that it aligns with the values I’ve set for myself. I cannot pinpoint exactly why I did it either. But, if I’m honest with myself it's probably a mix of fear of being alone, fear of losing someone I cared about (even if not on a romantic level), fear of hurting someone, disbelief that I would actually find someone with the qualities I was looking for, an insecurity to feel wanted and needed by someone, and the classic mistake of trying to fit someone into a mold they could never fit into. You really can’t change someone and deep down I knew it too. Through time, I found myself subconsciously pulling away in relationships and focusing primarily on myself. I really only cared about my future career, my friends, my needs, my wants, and my interests over the other person. Which is also why I cannot condone dating someone if you don’t see a future with them. Dating should have the ultimate goal of marriage even if it doesn’t end up that way. And marriage is ultimately about unity and not about the self.

Thankfully I did end things faster by the third go once I knew. But at the same time, the amount of pain I caused people and pain I then caused myself still brings back  some haunting memories.  In the months leading up to meeting my fiancé I had begun to convince myself that I was not meant to fall in love. I was so frustrated for not being able to reciprocate the same feelings, effort, and care as other people. I didn’t understand why I could never get myself to say “I love you” back. It was an emotional block I felt I couldn’t get past with anyone I pursued a relationship with. It’s exhausting to chase a feeling that feels inorganic and forced. It's also exhausting hurting the same people over and over as they hold onto hope of a future while you're waiting for an inevitable end. I've had to ask for forgiveness from those I hurt; it wasn't easy and a lot of grace was involved. 

Intentionally Dating:
After all this, I knew I needed to change my approach. In September 2020, I sat down with my parents and had an intentional conversation about dating. It was a theory of mine that one reason I could never fully emotionally commit to anyone was because I never had my parent’s blessing. It’s not a western way of thinking to make decisions based on your parent’s happiness. But at the same time, I didn’t grow up in a fully westernized family. Though the environment outside my house was immersed in western culture, inside the principles were grounded on more traditional Eastern-Asian values. And one of those values being the respect one has for their parents and elders. My parents are in no way perfect, but I over the years have learned to trust their judgement. Majority of my parent’s love I received growing up was not verbal like a lot of my friends had. But looking back I know how much effort my father and mother put into me- arguably more than most other parents (more on this another time). The gifts I received from my parents were always practical: investments in my education, my understanding of the world, and to enhance my intelligence and overall quality of life. I learned to trust my parents and especially my father who has proven his wisdom time and time again over the years. The closest thing I had at the time to understanding romantic love was the love I had for God and my family. So it seemed logical to me to let my parents help choose the person I would end up with. I did not view including them as giving up my individuality, but saw it as an acknowledgement and act of the love I had for them. 

During the conversation, my parents agreed I was at a stage in my life where I could practically and emotionally handle a serious relationship. We discussed the list of things I wanted in a partner vs. the list of absolutes. Further, they encouraged me to actively pursue different paths to find a partner: close friends that had already asked to set me up on a date, family friends with sons who fit the criteria, and yes even dating apps (I guess my parents aren’t entirely that traditional haha). I also gave them permission to pick potentials for me that I promised I would take seriously. I thought to myself that I would just learn to love whoever was decided the most suitable for me.

Now that all sounds incredibly serious - which it was. However, I don’t think any of us thought that I would find ‘the one’ anytime soon. The possibility that this process could take anywhere from months to years was more along the line of what we both expected. One of the things my Gong-gong (grandfather) always said before his passing was the Chinese proverb, “A sly rabbit will have three openings to its den”. The moral to this proverb is that a rabbit that has many holes leading to his den will always have a backup plan and will be able to escape if in danger. Gong-gong usually gave this as dating advice saying to us grandchildren that while initially seeking love we should not make a singular passage to our heart and block it off to just one person.  And so with this advice I cannot lie that I did end up going on several dates. These dates were not with just anyone, but pre-confirmed men by myself and my parents that on the surface contained the qualities I was looking for –which I dug deeper for more on said dates. I tried to the best of my ability not to lead anyone on. As soon as I knew they weren’t a person I’d like to continue to see, I let them go. This was a skill that I still hadn't mastered because my fear of rejecting others was a harder concept than fear of rejection. I can only pray that God gave me grace for the situations I struggled in to end things amicably. Another difficult aspect of doing this was that it was hard to be transparent to everyone involved in my dating life. Yes, I was not committed to one person at the time, but the level of seriousness I was taking each person made me start to feel uncomfortable for “dating” multiple people at once. I had to accept that I personally could not handle dating at that caliber for long.

Meeting The One:
Luckily for me, a little over one month since my parents and I’s conversation, I decided with their encouragement to download the dating app Hinge. And very very shortly after was the first moment I saw my now fiancé, Austin.

He was actually the second person I even came across on Hinge. I immediately noticed his cute smile and eyes that lit up in pictures appearing like he would be a genuinely nice person. There was a picture of his mom with him at his college graduation, and I remember thinking to myself how sweet she looked. But what drew me to Austin the most was the prompt he chose to put at the top of his profile. If you’re familiar with the app you know that Hinge makes you put all these goofy prompts on your profile that are meant to highlight your personality, your beliefs, or whatever else you want to say. The prompt that Austin chose read, “we’ll get along if…. You love Jesus.” After reading this I immediately tapped the little heart icon in the corner to send him a “match” notification.

​After a few weeks of messaging, I found myself driving from my parent’s house in Peoria, IL to Austin’s hometown in Algonquin, IL to meet him at a brunch spot. We found out we had quite a few mutual friends – along with my younger brother, David, actually knowing who he was. My first in person impression of Austin was that he was kind, genuine, intelligent, and respectable. I don’t remember a ton from that date though because while there I grew increasingly nervous/awkward after he told me it was the first date he had been on from the app. I left the date and called my brother on the car ride home telling him, “Yeah I liked the guy but I’m probably not going to see him again because I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m weird.” My brother and I had a laugh about my awkwardness, and I went home happy that I had the experience at least to tell someone. I can tell you I was a little shocked moments after I got back to get a text from Austin asking to see me again.

The next date was three weeks later because I had midterms and put dating on hold so I could focus. But the second date went very well. So much so that I was surprised to find myself starting to over-analyze our texts following it. I remember one instance where Austin didn’t reply for a few hours and I actually found myself stressing over whether I would hear from him again. I had to take a moment and slap myself back into reality. My view of myself has always been that I'm logical, practical, and independent. So, worrying over seeing someone again was an entirely new experience that made me realize a change within myself.  I never considered myself a romantic person, but every date and moment really felt like nothing I had ever experienced before. At the time it actually did feel like I was living out a movie. I had never had the butterflies-in-your-stomach feeling, and for the first time I realized it was actually a real feeling you could have.

​On our fourth date I had the opportunity to meet Austin’s family. I was so impressed with how incredibly kind his siblings were and how God-fearing and grounded his parents were. Being raised on my Eastern-Asian roots, it was engrained in me that family was extremely important. So with all the time I spent over the years fearing that I would never find a future family I could see myself in, it was such a breath of fresh air to meet this family. From Austin’s father’s Bible Pictionary board game in the basement and Austin’s mother sharing at dinner how much she believed in the power of prayer, it was evident to me how wonderful they were.

I cried on the way home from that day, praying to God that He would not show me everything I thought I wanted and then take it away.  I knew on that day that this was a relationship I wanted to have, and I continued to pray especially hard the first year of dating Austin exclusively. I prayed that God would guard my heart from giving it away if Austin was not the right person. I prayed that God would bless our relationship if what we had was pleasing to Him. I prayed that we would be wise and intentional in our relationship and honor each other and God’s Kingdom. I prayed that if we were not suitable for each other that God would end the relationship sooner rather than later.

It took me a while to adjust to my growing feelings. For the first time I wanted to be in a relationship with a person so badly and for the rest of my life. I fought with myself for a while over it because it was an incredibly scary feeling for me to fall in love. The amount of vulnerability and trust it took was hard for the logical part of my brain to accept. It just didn’t seem practical to give that much power to another person over me. I cried a lot initially because of the confusion of feeling all these new feelings at once and especially feeling the loss of control I normally had over myself and my emotions. I can only imagine that in his head Austin was probably rolling his eyes thinking, "ugh this girl again...." But it was Austin’s patience, his joyful spirit, his seriousness to honor God in and with our relationship, his loving and playful nature, his integrity, his optimism, and his desire to grow together that proved to me over time I could let my guard down. I never had to force him into a mold or pretend he was something he was not. Seven months of prayer into our relationship, I was walking with Austin down a street in Chicago one day- I looked at him and I just knew. It was not a love that was grounded on merely strong feelings, but a love I knew was intentional, growing, trusting, accepting, submissive (more on this word another time), and with willingness to sacrifice for the betterment of ‘us’. 

Conclusion:
To run this post full circle, all those years of feeling incapable of loving someone have led me to believe that God was ultimately protecting my heart from deeper pain. And quite possibly the prayers I prayed dating from back to age thirteen were the reasons why I was only able to fall in love once.
​

Disclaimer:
The statements in this post align with a Christian perspective. Not to say that a non-Christian won’t be able to relate. However, it is important to note that the audience targeted is one that seeks a Christ centered life. The aim of this blog is to reach out to the community to further examine the modern day and how it fits in with Biblical principles. Furthermore, I am a singular individual who can only write on the limitations of my own experiences. Ultimately, the goal is to not only allow myself but those I am called to love to grow in their faith.

Intro:
In the first part of this post, I will comment on my personal background with the topic and share details on its relevancy in my life. This is solely so that the reader may understand the limitations to my understanding- that which is my own. In the second part I will be diving deeper in the aspect of faith, and particularly on what the scripture says about owning material items as a Christian. Although I am connecting my own experiences with the word of God, I pray to be a good representation of its teachings and steward of its resources on this post.

Background:
I didn’t grow up surrounded by designer labels or luxury goods. Although I would not say that I came from poverty, my father’s philosophy on life was always one of modesty. My parents highly valued family, their faith, education, and experiences over anything considered material. Similar to many other first generation Asian Americans, my parents were and are hard workers who emphasized saving over spending. Not to say they were stingy- I was never deprived as a child. However, being cost effective and efficient brought them greater joy than spending a large sum on a luxury car or watch.

So how I ended being associated with the luxury lifestyle is a bit funny to me and at times can be hurtful. Especially since I had no idea what I was getting into when I did- really was opening a literal Pandora’s box. How I got there may cause some digression beyond the point, so I’ll try to keep it as short and sweet as possible.

One day as a college freshman I stumbled across a picture of a girl wearing a handbag online. I don’t remember where I saw it, maybe on Instagram or Pinterest, but I just remember thinking “wow that’s such a pretty bag.” My jaw hit the floor when I looked it up and saw the price tag on the thing: $2,700 (it was the Nano Luggage Bag by Celine btw). I had never spent more than $20 on a bag before. At the time even Target handbags that went for $30 I put back on the shelf because I considered them too expensive for my taste. But it was something about this bag that made me really want it- to the point where I was determined to find a way for it to fit it into my limited affordability. And after many months of researching, somehow, I found myself involved in the world of buying and reselling designer handbags.

In 2016, with the $700 in my bank account meant to last me until the end of college and after much push back from my mother who was convinced I was crazy, I bought a discounted new-condition authentic bag on eBay, then resold it one week later for double: $1,400. After my first sale, my mother only occasionally thought I was crazy. But, for the most part trusted my spending decisions there on after. Before I knew it I was investing my money in multiple bags which then branched beyond into designer shoes, belts, phone cases, rings, earrings, and you name it. They were all considered investments to me- my own little stock market. There was always risk involved: whether an item would sell, whether someone would find a way to scam me (it happened sometimes), whether that item would depreciate in value or appreciate. But mostly, it was fun at first because I got to wear many of the items before finding them a new home. However, this fun also came at some price.

It took a while for me to see it: a couple of years. But, the responsibility of having these items hit me harder and faster than I had realized. I think many people can understand that there’s a certain weight to owning luxury products. Generally a certain crowd is viewed as having said items: that which is monetarily “rich,” established, and prosperous in a worldly sense. I say “viewed” as the key word, as these items are not truly indicative of real monetary wealth but an idol of collective societal views.  So you can imagine how I was seen possessing them being at a relatively young age (18 when I started). With material wealth being coveted in society, the attention that came out of it was a lot more than what I originally was use to having. I found increasingly that many people did not have an indifferent opinion about me- it usually was very positive or very negative. Not to generalize as I have had genuine and loving friends over the years, but mostly people were either wanting very much to befriend me because they looked up to the material lifestyle they thought I led, or they were very cautious and looked down on me for leading a consuming lifestyle. Without repeating too many comments from the peanut gallery, I want to say that I understand them. Because it makes sense that many would assume an 18 year old girl carrying luxury brands is using her father’s money, is not wise in her spending, will be high-maintenance in relationships, will not befriend people who don’t value material objects etc. etc.  Comments on these topics did bother and hurt me for a while. I don’t want to use the word “wrestle” lightly. However, I have had to wrestle with owning luxury products as a Christian, especially since it entered my life abruptly. More details on my struggle with this topic are really for another post; this post I want to remain as objective as possible. My “wrestle” has changed throughout the course of time and even might continue to do so. I do understand the meaning of these items now, but that I have yet to still grow in my faith and Christ may continue to reveal new things in this topic; things that may make me have to re-evaluate my viewpoint on this. I also do think that any Christian who owns luxury products, no matter what age or background should consider how those products fit in with their faith. Yes, even those (and maybe especially those) who choose to own fake luxury goods- more on this in the second part. So does God condemn living a life with luxury? And if not, how can one live fruitfully whilst owning material goods?

Faith:
Let’s first acknowledge the verse, “for if we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord. So then, whether we live or we die, we are the Lord’s,” Romans 4:8. As stated here, Christians are called into a purpose. Contrary to secular thinking, our life is not meant to be our own. We cannot stand by the statement of “do whatever makes you happy,” though a popular saying. When we are born again into faith we recognize that we are serving a greater role than our own individuality, fortune, or fame. Although we may be blessed with these things in our lives on earth, ultimately we are not called to live for anything other than the Lord. I also want to add that it’s not as if Christianity takes away our individuality, but simply that we do not live for these purposes. Anything we have on earth may be gone tomorrow. If not that, Matthew 24:35 states that all things including “heaven and earth will pass away” eventually. So, it is imperative that we do not cling to the things we own on earth because ultimately this is not what we are living for.

But, let’s take a step back and ask the question - does God permit us to own material or luxury goods? Although there is no verse that specifically talks about owning designer, we can still draw from what the Bible says. Ecclesiastes 5:18-19 states, “This is what I have observed to be good: that it is appropriate for a person to eat, to drink and to find satisfaction in their toilsome labor under the sun during the few days of life God has given them- for this is their lot. Everyone also to whom God has given wealth and possessions and power to enjoy them, and to accept his lot and rejoice in his toil- this is the gift of God.” As Christians, we serve a God who loves us! We are not called to be mindless creatures. We serve a just God who is righteous in His treatment of His creation. He shows no partiality (Act 10:34), He commands against mistreatment of others (Zechariah 7:10), He perfectly executes vengeance against oppressors (2 Thessalonians 1:6; Romans 12:9), and most of all He shows mercy to those He loves through righteousness (Romans 3:25-26). Going back to the verse in Ecclesiastes, God looks at the heart and acknowledges our labors. We are free to enjoy the wealth, possessions, and power we are given on earth, so long as we know they are gifts from God alone. We should then lift them up to God in thanksgiving. “Everything God created is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving, because it is consecrated by the word of God and prayer.” 1 Timothy 4:4-5. So in regards to material things, it is not wrong or shameful to own items considered material or luxury. God has created the artistic hands who produce fashion, and all things are good created from God and received with thanksgiving. However, let’s once again ask ourselves another question:

What are our intentions owning these things?
I mentioned lifting up our gifts to God in thanksgiving. I do think that true thanksgiving to God is a sign of a humble spirit. We recognize that the Lord is omnipotent (all-powerful), omnipresent (is everywhere), and omniscient (all-knowing) and that our own excellence is only which can be granted by such a God. Therefore, we are thankful for what we are given and recognize that for our benefit anything can also be taken away (Job 1:21). But even saying this may be a little vague to many. How can someone be so sure that they are partaking in thanksgiving or have right intentions? One way I have found personally to “check” myself and intentions is to ask myself a series of three questions:

1) ”Does it [the items owned] cause me to grow further or closer to Christ?”
2) “What purpose does it [the things I own] serve myself/serve others?”
3) ”Would I be able to give it [the material items I own]  up if called to do so?”

Anything that is held as an image higher than the Lord is considered an idol (Exodus 20:3-6). The series of questions above are aimed at bringing out our earthly idols into our consciousness. It is important to note that the answers to these questions may serve inconclusive results. The action, object, or person, in this case material goods, may not be an idol merely because it is not actively bringing one closer to Christ or serving others. For an example, brushing your teeth in the morning may not bring you closer to God or serve other people (although they probably would appreciate it if your breath didn’t stink). However, if it is self-serving and causes a person to grow farther away in their faith it should be examined further for being a potential idol. The Bible states, “if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go to hell,” Matthew 5:30. You may have heard this verse before, and although seemingly harsh, it speaks truth. Are we worshiping our own earthly image by adorning it with designer things? And if so, it is logical to say that it is better to lose your image than to lose your soul.

I am also at this time going to take a moment to address owning fake designer items (knock-offs, counterfeits, etc.). I am not going to speak on the ethicality of owning fakes because that is not the point of this post. Whether or not I ethically agree with owning fake items, we are examining more the question of one’s intention. To preface, I am not saying all circumstances of owning fakes are inherently idolization or wrong intent. For an example, someone could be gifted a counterfeit bag from a friend without knowing. Or, even after finding out, continue using the bag to eliminate it wasting in a landfill. Besides this example, are other circumstances in which owning fake luxury goods may not be unbiblical. However, more likely a person chooses intentionally to own fake goods for a few reasons- and most likely the reason to appear as a certain image to others. We can also reference the ninth commandment in Exodus 20:16, “thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.” This meaning that we as Christians are not to intentionally speak that which is untrue and deceptive (Leviticus 19:11-12, Colossians 3:9-10). Since we have put on a new self through our redemption, we also have the duty to be good representations of our faith by being truthful about the items we own. A good steward of the Lord is truthful with good intention.

So how then can we live fruitfully whilst owning luxury items? Firstly, we must understand that our recognition and beauty should not be overpowered with our outwardly image. In 1 Peter 3:2-5 it is written, "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful.” Although this passage was specifically written for Christian women, it is also applicable to men as well. Our outward image should not detract from our inner self. And furthermore, we should prize our inner beauty: one that is warm, loving, gentle, and kind; a beauty that seeks wisdom over vanity. So then, it is no longer a question of if a Christian can own designer, but what one seeks to grow in and how one can utilize the gifts given by God. One important way someone can utilize the gift of monetary wealth is through tithing. Tithing is a practice seen long throughout the Bible where people give a tenth of what they have to further the Kingdom. And what more can we do for the Kingdom on earth with the money we are given! Even so, you do not have to be monetarily wealthy to tithe. I love the example in Mark 12:41-44, “Jesus sat down opposite the place where the offerings were put and watched the crowd putting their money into the temple treasury. Many rich people threw in large amounts. But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins, worth only a few cents. Calling his disciples to him, Jesus said, ‘Truly I tell you, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything – all she had to live on.”

Ultimately, the Lord looks onto the heart. Whether we are granted with riches or poverty, own a designer purse or a thrifted one, we are called into a life of love, kindness, thanksgiving, and humility before Him.